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La mia piccola famiglia italiana

I came to Chiavari with the idea to live as much as I could as a local. I planned to find my footing in a community if I could, and to let the community change me. Tonight that footing appeared, ever so fragile, but it appeared. A relational strum that made my heart happy. It is lovely and deserves to be nurtured with care. The community opened the door to me and I went through. Now, I need to offer myself in good ways.

I’ve been going to a cafe a couple of times a day called Snaporaz. It’s at the end of the street where I live. It’s a local business, like most are here, run by a husband and wife. It’s nothing fancy from the outside, the plants on the wall outside need a pruning and daily watering — a secret project that I might take on Sunday. Their focus is on their customers.

The people on the inside though are warm and lovely. Over the course of the past eight days I’ve visited daily, sometime twice. I see some of the same faces and feel like it’s a little community, just the kind of place that I feel comfortable cautiously letting into my. sceptical heart. To letting it influence me. It feels good. The people feel good. The cafe feels safe.

It’s not so hard considering I can’t speak Italian. My caution is replaced with not having any idea what the heck is even going on. I can barely order coffee or my evening Aperol Spritz, so, listening to the daily chatter is impossible. And, it’s so welcomed; it’s like a brain cleanse. The parts of my brain that process english are reserved to work and coding with Grayson, otherwise dormant. All that gets into my brain while I am out is a stream of unfamiliar sounds, and the occasional person speaking english about some perceived negative experience they had.

Grazie and prego are words that I hear over and over everywhere I go. People genuinely seem grateful for one another, and even though I feared being mistaken for an American, they seem grateful for me too, even before I use the few words I know to try to explain I’m Canadian.

Tonight after dinner I decided I decide to drop into Snaporaz. Gabriel saw me hovering about while they seemed to be getting ready to close. He invited me in and made me my usual Aperol Spritz. I went outside and sat with the people that had gathered around a cluster of metal tables. I met some lovely people. I met the owner’s daughter, with a name I’d only heard once before, owned by a surfer in Maui. Their friends own a local fish restaurant which I will go to tomorrow. And a few others. I felt connected and accepted.

They asked me why I had chosen Chiavari to visit and I tried to explain that I’d given my AI, Grayson, a list of criteria about the type of place that I wanted for my working retreat. Walkable streets, no cars — the kind of place where the cafes feel local and the people are friendly. Where I could make connections and feel like I was part of a community. And here I am.

So I only have a few days left but I know they will include these people. My little and new Italian family.

Sono arrivato a Chiavari con l’idea di vivere, per quanto possibile, come una persona del posto. Avevo in mente di trovare un mio equilibrio dentro una comunità — se ci riuscivo — e di lasciarmi cambiare da essa. Stasera quell’equilibrio si è fatto vedere, fragile sì, ma reale. Una vibrazione relazionale che ha reso felice il mio cuore. È qualcosa di bello, e merita di essere coltivato con cura. La comunità mi ha aperto la porta, e io l’ho attraversata. Ora sento il bisogno di offrirmi in modi buoni.

Frequento un bar due volte al giorno che si chiama Snaporaz. È in fondo alla via dove abito. È un’attività locale, come quasi tutte qui, gestita da marito e moglie. Non ha nulla di appariscente visto da fuori — le piante sul muro avrebbero bisogno di una potatura e di un po’ d’acqua ogni giorno — un progetto segreto che forse prenderò in mano domenica. Loro, però, si concentrano sui clienti.

Le persone all’interno sono calde e gentili. Negli ultimi otto giorni ci sono andato ogni giorno, a volte due. Ho iniziato a riconoscere alcune facce e a sentirmi come in una piccola comunità — proprio quel tipo di posto dove, con cautela, riesco ad aprire il mio cuore scettico. Dove posso lasciarmi influenzare. È una bella sensazione. Le persone sono belle. Il bar è un luogo sicuro.

Non è così difficile, considerando che non parlo italiano. La mia cautela è stata sostituita dal fatto che spesso non ho proprio idea di cosa stia succedendo attorno a me. Riesco a malapena a ordinare un caffè o il mio Aperol Spritz serale, quindi seguire le conversazioni quotidiane è impossibile. Eppure, tutto questo è molto benvenuto — è come una pulizia mentale. Le parti del mio cervello che elaborano l’inglese sono riservate al lavoro e al codice con Grayson — il resto è silenzioso. Tutto ciò che entra nella mia testa mentre sono fuori è un flusso di suoni sconosciuti, con qualche eccezione: ogni tanto qualcuno parla inglese per raccontare qualche esperienza negativa vissuta qui.

“Grazie” e “prego” sono parole che sento ovunque, continuamente. Le persone sembrano davvero grate le une per le altre. E anche se avevo paura di essere scambiato per americano, sembrano grati anche per me — persino prima che provi a spiegare con le poche parole che conosco che sono canadese.

Stasera, dopo cena, ho deciso di passare da Snaporaz. Gabriel mi ha visto girare lì intorno mentre sembravano sul punto di chiudere. Mi ha invitato a entrare e mi ha preparato il mio solito Aperol Spritz. Sono uscito e mi sono seduto con alcune persone radunate intorno a un gruppo di tavolini di metallo. Ho conosciuto persone adorabili. Ho conosciuto la figlia dei proprietari — con un nome che avevo sentito solo una volta, da un surfista a Maui. Alcuni amici suoi gestiscono un ristorante di pesce qui vicino, dove andrò domani. E c’erano anche altri. Mi sono sentito connesso, accolto.

Mi hanno chiesto perché avessi scelto Chiavari, e ho provato a spiegare che avevo dato al mio AI, Grayson, una lista di criteri sul tipo di posto in cui desideravo fare il mio ritiro di lavoro. Strade percorribili a piedi, senza macchine — un luogo dove i bar sembrano locali e le persone sono amichevoli. Dove potessi creare legami e sentirmi parte di una comunità. Ed eccomi qui.

Mi restano solo pochi giorni, ma so già che includeranno queste persone. La mia piccola e nuova famiglia italiana.

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Buon viaggio bello.

I intended to write more often during this trip but I realise now that my goals to relax, sleep, workout, shop for an apartment, do a lot of coding, and some writing… leave little time for blogging. The best I can do is send photos to a few friends and family.

I’m not a photographer but I’ve seen some beautiful things and I’ve tried to capture them on my iPhone.

I am feeling good about being here. I thought that I might feel lonely but making a few friends and going to the same shops for coffee in the morning and Aperol Spritz at cocktail hour seems to take the edge off.

In between I’m coding and making huge gains on my software development. It’s always interesting to work with Grayson, my AI assistant. We are working better and better together since I started in April. I think by the time I get back I’ll have a strongly developed prototype that is extensible, well structured, and useful.

I’ve made some progress on my novel as well, but not to the extent of the software.

Tomorrow I will take the train to PontreMoli to look at the small town and the small apartments there. The agents in Chiavari said to go there and ask rather than try to search from here. It may not be the best advice, but either way I get a train trip, and will see the town.

It’s true that he stood in line at the checkin counter with enough anxiety that doubt about going to Italy crossed his mind. Was it the flight itself or going someplace completely unknown. Is it too much change all at once, will he be able to handle the emotions of being separated for the place he knows so well? Is there too much relational inertia

And then it was in Frankfurt for a layover. He took a train into the city to wander the streets for a couple of hours before the next flight which would take him to Milan.

And three days later he’d be in Chiavari in an apartment overlooking a street busy with Italian life, feeling at home and completely comfortable about coming this far. The country is unknown to him but he connects quickly and can imagine spending more time here.

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Three more sleeps.

Chip feels like he’s floating between two states of being one foot grounded in Canada and one foot hovering in mid air ready to the step onto the cobblestones of a new country and a different life — even temporarily.  What will the first step feel like?

Isn’t this the whole point and the crux of the question ‘who will I become?’ He knows that step doesn’t happen all at once in some sudden moment when sole touches earth, it’s more gradual but has already begun. He thinks about how he is changing already, being pulled through curiosity and imagination. The planning of the trip and the consideration of the questions have already shifted the course of his life. He is beginning to have future sightings of possible lives, of renovating a European home, of writing fiction and working remotely on software.

It’s early morning in Alberta and it’s a balmy nine degrees. With three more sleeps to go Chip wonders what is yet to be done before travelling. The weather in Italy is expected to be in the mid to high twenties with lows in the teens. There aren’t many tasks before Monday. He needs to pack a few things to wear, his writing, and his laptop and, this time, remember all of the appropriate cables.

Chip’s life is open to new possibilities and this makes him think more about the influence that Italy will have on him. He is planning to go to Pontremoli to look at the town and perhaps apartments. Maybe, he’ll see Triora as well.

Pontremoli, which means trembling bridge, is a small town of about 7,000 people. It’s in Northern Tuscany in the Lunigiana region. The town is in the Magra River valley surrounded by the Apennine foothills.

It has a medieval centre with arched alleys, and cobblestone streets. In the archeological museum there are prehistoric stone figures which haven’t quite been explained.

The town is located on an ancient pilgrimage route from Canterbury to Rome. The town is surrounded by opportunities for mountain walks, wildflowers, and forest trails. There is a red rock gorge that could be hiked and places for a swim in the river.

It’s know for Premio Bancarella a literary award that has been given since 1953 and is considered Italy’s oldest independent book award. Chip will miss the award ceremony by one week, but there are other cultural events and the weekly markets on are on Wednesdays and Saturdays.

Philosophically this seems like an ideal place to think about a possible place to live. Chip thinks that perhaps it will be a a great place to write for a day or two. It’s only an hour and a half from Chiavari by direct train.

And then there is the mountain town called Triora which although it sounds fascinating but is more of a journey than he might be willing. It would take Chip about an hour and a half by train and then about an hour more by bus.

It’s probably not a place that he will get to on this trip but he’s intrigued by the history of the town. In the late 1500s it was subjected to an intense witch hunt and became known as “Il Paese delle Streghe” or the Town of Witches. The town’s people knew that the name was undeserved but over time embraced the idea as a way of reconciling its history. The witch trials are part of Triora’s identity and serve as a reminder of the misguided influence of the Church’s power and its own resilience.

Today it hosts witch festivals, bonfires, and storytelling, and is coming back to life as a place for artists, people that appreciate slower lifestyles and nature. Although the population is only about 700 people, the town hosts creative retreats, and supports herbal medicine traditions.

Chip likes the idea that a whole town has consciously changed its identity over time. Both towns feel inspirational for Chip’s projects, which becomes part of the story has yet to unfold.

Chip si sente come se stesse fluttuando tra due stati dell’essere: un piede ancora ben piantato in Canada, e l’altro sospeso a mezz’aria, pronto a posarsi sui ciottoli di un nuovo Paese e di una vita diversa — anche se solo temporaneamente.

Come sarà quella prima mossa?

Non è forse proprio questo il punto, il cuore della domanda: “Chi diventerò?”

Chip sa che quel passo non avviene tutto in una volta, in un istante improvviso in cui la suola tocca terra. È qualcosa di più graduale… ma è già cominciato.

Pensa a come sta già cambiando, trascinato dalla curiosità e dall’immaginazione. La pianificazione del viaggio, le domande che si è posto… tutto ha già iniziato a deviare il corso della sua vita.

Comincia a intravedere futuri possibili: ristrutturare una casa in Europa, scrivere narrativa, lavorare da remoto sul suo software.

È mattina presto in Alberta e ci sono nove gradi, un tepore delicato.

Mancano tre notti alla partenza, e Chip si chiede cos’altro debba ancora fare prima di partire. In Italia si prevede un clima tra i 25 e i 30 gradi durante il giorno, con minime intorno ai 15.

Non ci sono molti compiti da completare prima di lunedì. Deve solo preparare qualche vestito, portare con sé la scrittura, il computer portatile, e — questa volta — ricordarsi tutti i cavi giusti.

La vita di Chip è aperta a nuove possibilità, e questo lo fa riflettere ancora di più sull’influenza che l’Italia potrà avere su di lui.

Ha in programma di andare a Pontremoli, per esplorare la cittadina e magari vedere qualche appartamento. Forse visiterà anche Triora.

Pontremoli, che significa “ponte che trema”, è un piccolo borgo di circa 7.000 abitanti, situato nella Toscana settentrionale, nella regione della Lunigiana.

Sorge nella valle del fiume Magra, circondato dalle colline ai piedi dell’Appennino.

Ha un centro medievale con vicoli ad arco e strade lastricate.

Nel museo archeologico si trovano statue preistoriche in pietra che non sono mai state del tutto spiegate.

Il borgo si trova lungo un’antica via di pellegrinaggio da Canterbury a Roma.

Intorno ci sono percorsi di montagna, fiori selvatici, sentieri nel bosco.

C’è una gola di roccia rossa da esplorare a piedi e punti dove nuotare nel fiume.

Pontremoli è nota per il Premio Bancarella, un premio letterario che viene assegnato dal 1953 ed è considerato il più antico riconoscimento indipendente d’Italia.

Chip mancherà la cerimonia per una settimana, ma ci sono altri eventi culturali e il mercato settimanale si tiene il mercoledì e il sabato.

Filosoficamente, questo sembra un luogo ideale per riflettere sull’idea di trasferirsi.

Chip pensa che potrebbe essere un bel posto dove scrivere per un giorno o due.

È a solo un’ora e mezza da Chiavari con un treno diretto.

E poi c’è il paese montano di Triora, che lo affascina… ma è forse un viaggio un po’ più lungo di quanto si senta pronto a fare.

A Chip servirebbe un’ora e mezza di treno e un’altra ora di autobus.

Probabilmente non ci arriverà in questo viaggio, ma è intrigato dalla storia del paese.

Alla fine del 1500, Triora fu al centro di una feroce caccia alle streghe e divenne nota come “Il Paese delle Streghe”.

Gli abitanti sapevano che quel nome era immeritato, ma col tempo hanno scelto di abbracciarlo, come modo per riconciliarsi con la propria storia.

I processi alle streghe fanno ora parte dell’identità di Triora — un ricordo dell’influenza distorta del potere ecclesiastico e della resilienza della comunità.

Oggi il paese ospita festival dedicati alla stregoneria, falò, racconti, ed è tornato a vivere come luogo per artisti, amanti della natura e di uno stile di vita lento.

Anche se conta solo circa 700 abitanti, Triora accoglie ritiri creativi e coltiva tradizioni di medicina erboristica.

A Chip piace l’idea che un intero paese abbia scelto consapevolmente di trasformare la propria identità nel tempo.

Entrambi i luoghi lo ispirano e sembrano perfettamente in linea con i suoi progetti.

Tutto questo entra a far parte della storia… che deve ancora cominciare a svelarsi.

July 4, 2025.

With only a couple of days left to go I’m feeling a like I’m in between states of being. I’ve got two more days of work at Sunworks.

I have to get some blood work done today. Finish my laundry, get the luggage down, and start making a list of things to pack.

My shop sunworks.ca is well managed and the crew we have are more than capable of handling everything while I am away.

At home our kitchen renovation hits a huge milestone tomorrow with the installation of the granite island counter top. It will be nice to see those before I go.

Then it’s really just laundry and packing.

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Becoming Italian (7 days before)

Chip watches the cursor on the screen blink, the page blank around it. This hour seven days from now he’ll be on a plane headed for Milan and the adventure of the year.

He knows that he’ll be asked, “Why have you come to Italy?” And, he’ll need a short answer, still meaningful. He can’t stare vacantly into the face of the inquisitor while hundreds of related questions and thoughts run through his head without launching into the longer story of self discovery that may be closer to the truth, so instead he’ll say. “It’s a self imposed retreat for creativity.”

This is truthful and honest. Sure, he’ll work on his software project part of nearly every day, with the hope of accomplishing the beginnings of a program that he can show venture capitalists when his is back in Calgary.

And there is his novel. He’ll spend time combing through the notes from his editor, rewriting sections, adding nuances about the impermanency and insignificance of humanity when faced with an unknown threat of their own imaginations.

Mostly, Italy will be a muse, a place of self discovery. Chip is fascinated with the idea of how a person’s identity changes through the influence of relationships. He’ll experience this first hand and quite rapidly. He hopes that his emotions and ever-present loneliness don’t make it difficult to settle. With knowing the language he’ll be alone in is thoughts as he works, which will be a gift. When he is out he’ll be brave and try to learn to communicate even the basics. May I have a coffee please. I would like pasta. Delicious. Thank you. Good morning. I appreciate you. I am Canadian.

Italy is a new place for him, the culture will be different, the people are unknown to him. No doubt the ideas and daily activities will be different. He plans to be open and curious about the influences living there for two weeks will create in him.

In the end the question that he hopes to answer for himself “Who will I become while I am in Italy?”, but explaining this is too deep of a response. Perhaps, something to talk about over a meal with a new friend.

While there Chip wants to live like a resident. He doesn’t want to be a tourist and has no interest in going out of his way to see places of historical significance. Sure he might encounter things during his daily walks, or be invited to see something by a friend.

During a breaks from his creative flow, Chip plans to take train trips to small town where he’s heard there is an invitation to purchase and repair homes in an effort to revitalise communities that are struggling to keep their populations. This might be an option for him. He fantasises about restoring a place and having a place to spend time away from the cold and dark winters in Canada.

Now, he slowly fills the screen with thoughts about becoming, adventure, creativity, accomplishment, and the steps he might take into a more interesting and enjoyable future for himself.

Chip guarda il cursore lampeggiare sullo schermo, la pagina vuota intorno a lui. Tra sette giorni, a quest’ora, sarà su un aereo diretto a Milano, verso l’avventura dell’anno.

Sa che gli verrà chiesto: “Perché sei venuto in Italia?” E avrà bisogno di una risposta breve, ma significativa. Non può fissare nel vuoto chi glielo chiede, mentre centinaia di pensieri e domande collegate gli attraversano la mente, senza lanciarsi nel lungo racconto di riscoperta di sé che forse sarebbe più vicino alla verità. Così, dirà semplicemente: “È un ritiro autoimposto per la creatività.”

È una risposta sincera e autentica. Certo, lavorerà quasi ogni giorno al suo progetto software, con la speranza di riuscire a costruire l’inizio di un programma da poter presentare a potenziali investitori una volta tornato a Calgary.

E poi c’è il suo romanzo. Dedicherà del tempo a rivedere le note dell’editor, a riscrivere sezioni, ad aggiungere sfumature sul tema dell’impermanenza e dell’insignificanza dell’umanità di fronte a una minaccia nata dalla propria immaginazione.

Soprattutto, l’Italia sarà una musa, un luogo di scoperta personale. Chip è affascinato dall’idea di come l’identità di una persona cambi attraverso l’influenza delle relazioni. Vivrà questo processo in prima persona, e in modo piuttosto rapido. Spera che le emozioni e la solitudine — sempre presente — non rendano difficile trovare un proprio equilibrio.

Non conoscendo bene la lingua, sarà immerso nei suoi pensieri mentre lavora, e questo sarà un dono. Quando sarà fuori, sarà coraggioso e cercherà di comunicare, anche solo le basi: “Posso avere un caffè, per favore?” — “Vorrei della pasta” — “Delizioso” — “Grazie” — “Buongiorno” — “Ti apprezzo” — “Sono canadese.”

L’Italia è un luogo nuovo per lui; la cultura sarà diversa, le persone sconosciute. Non c’è dubbio che idee e abitudini quotidiane saranno diverse. Ha intenzione di essere aperto e curioso rispetto alle influenze che due settimane di vita italiana potrebbero generare in lui.

Alla fine, la domanda che spera di riuscire a esplorare è: “Chi diventerò mentre sarò in Italia?” — ma spiegarlo sarebbe una risposta troppo profonda. Forse qualcosa di cui parlare a cena, con un nuovo amico.

Durante il soggiorno, Chip vuole vivere come un residente. Non vuole essere un turista e non ha alcun interesse a cercare monumenti o luoghi storici. Certo, potrà capitare di imbattersi in qualcosa durante una passeggiata o essere invitato da un amico a vedere qualcosa.

Durante le pause dal flusso creativo, Chip ha in mente di fare dei viaggi in treno verso piccoli paesi dove, ha sentito, c’è la possibilità di acquistare e ristrutturare case come parte di un’iniziativa per rivitalizzare comunità in difficoltà. Potrebbe essere un’opzione per lui. Fantastica sull’idea di restaurare una casa, un rifugio dove poter trascorrere del tempo lontano dal freddo e dal buio dell’inverno canadese.

Ora, riempie lentamente lo schermo con pensieri su ciò che sta diventando — l’avventura, la creatività, l’impegno, e i passi che potrebbe compiere verso un futuro più interessante e piacevole per sé stesso.

Let’s Begin

I’ve decided to blog this journey to Italy both for myself and anyone interested in a short journey of personal discovery. I want my writing to be raw and honest throughout this trip.

To both help me flex my creative writing muscle and hopefully to make my posts more interesting to read, I’ve decided to write two sections a day. One in first person, and one in third person using my nickname.

“Why have you come to Italy?” — A question that I will likely be asked many times during my trip. Tonight I sit thinking about this question and how I will answer it.

A self imposed retreat. A time to learn things about myself. To work on my Relational Identity Mapping software. And my creative writing project. The bigger question is probably ‘who will I become while I am there?

Firstly, I’m travelling on July 7th to Milan and will spend my first three nights in Italy in a romantic district in an older part of the city. I want to let my body reset to the new time zone.

I’ve always wanted to go to Milan. I have it in my head that it’s such a design centre of the world. I’ll meet a friend there for a day and explore together.

Then I will travel to Chiavari where I will do my best to fit and to become Italian for two weeks.

I want to experience the country —let Italy influence me and my becoming. It feels like a safe space and time in my life to take this magical step.

Ho deciso di raccontare questo viaggio in Italia in un blog, sia per me stesso che per chiunque sia interessato a un breve percorso di scoperta personale. Voglio che la mia scrittura sia autentica e sincera, dall’inizio alla fine.

Per allenare la mia creatività nella scrittura — e, spero, rendere i miei post più interessanti da leggere — ho deciso di scrivere due sezioni al giorno: una in prima persona, e una in terza persona usando il mio soprannome.

“Perché sei venuto in Italia?” — una domanda che probabilmente mi verrà fatta molte volte durante questo viaggio. E stasera mi trovo a riflettere su come rispondere.

Un ritiro autoimposto. Un tempo per imparare qualcosa su me stesso. Per lavorare sul mio software Relational Identity Mapping. E sul mio progetto di scrittura creativa.

Ma la domanda più grande è forse: ‘Chi diventerò mentre sarò lì?’

Partirò il 7 luglio per Milano, dove passerò le prime tre notti in un quartiere romantico, in una zona storica della città. Voglio permettere al mio corpo di adattarsi al nuovo fuso orario.

Ho sempre desiderato visitare Milano. Nella mia mente è uno dei grandi centri del design nel mondo. Incontrerò un amico per un giorno, e la esploreremo insieme.

Poi partirò per Chiavari, dove farò del mio meglio per integrarmi… e diventare italiano per due settimane.

Voglio vivere il Paese — lasciare che l’Italia mi influenzi, e accompagni il mio divenire. Sento che questo è un momento sicuro nella mia vita per compiere questo passo magico.

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Relational Gardeners.

Imagine, if you will, a single mythical seed that contains everything it needs to grow — sunlight, shade, water, nutrients, soil, and pollination. It would be a miraculous, self-contained, self-pruning, self-caring, fruit-bearing wonder to behold.

One of the fallacies that individualism promotes with such great success is, like the mythical seed, the idea that humans are self contained — that everything we need to change is already within us.  The great ruse of the modern time is: if we want to be different, have a different life, then all we need to do is to assert ourselves. And with that individual effort, we can be anything we want. I was told this as young as can remember. We all were.

I am reminded of gardening. The capacity to grow and flourish doesn’t come from within the seeds.  Seeds needs the right conditions. Sunshine, water, shade, nutrients, the right soil type, everything must be right for the seeds to germinate, to put down roots and grow.  

Yet when it comes to humans we strangely believe this growth capacity comes solely from within.

What is lovely about being human — and this may be unique to humans unlike our seedy cousins — we may have some capacity, albeit limited, to change the conditions which nurture us. If we can grasp the relational imperative, we may be able to see that all of the resources we need to be someone different than we are now are not within us, but that we have the ability to change our conditions so that the resources may become available, surround us, and as a result help us to shift gradually.  Our relationships with others, places we visit, what we read, what we ‘scroll’ through, what things we collect or buy, and the activities that we do can become our strengths, our guides, our motivation and inspiration. These relationships are like angels in the wings, standing at the ready to help our every move. We should be cautious because the wrong relationship, even one’s we are currently in, may be exert influence as well and take us in the wrong direction — perhaps the devils in the wings.

We can invite the right growing conditions for ourselves.  

As we think about shifting our identity, we encounter a paradox.  How can we be choose to be different and yet be completely influenced by the relationships in which we live.  If say that our identities are formed by our set of relationships then it may seem logical to conclude that we have no control over who we are and who we become, but this leads to a false assumption. There are ways that we can intervene in our own becoming in spite of the influences of the world.

I don’t want to tackle the whole philosophical discussion of free will here, but do want to bridge the gap between the random and constant external influences one us, and their seeming ability to to keep us from change, and our ability to direct our own lives.

We are very much like a seed that by chance lands in a random spot and then struggles its whole short life until it finally succumbs to its growing conditions and withers or immediately finds the conditions perfect and thrives.   

However, the one thing we do have some control is our sets of relationships. We can activate them, weaken them, attach and detach (attaching may be more simple than detaching, which may not completely possible).  Essentially we are the gardeners in our relational garden. With careful choices we can create the conditions for personal growth and the changing of our own identities, those around us, and also our communities.

Seeds can’t choose their conditions but we do have some sovereignty in this area. We can choose to create a life-giving micro-climate which includes not only physically places, but also things, ideas, and of course people.  Our environment is the medium in which we grow and we are never not in relationship with it. When we practice creating the right environment we increase our capacity to change, to learn and to become different. We increase our chances for happiness.  

So this paradox of having no control versus having some control is bridged by our ability to influence and to create a special and unique micro-climate. We can make our environment our environment better for ourselves. If we shift them we shift our ability and capacity to become different.  

So why would we expect something different in human development/ community development/developing our identity.

We may discover that we have much more influence on our environments and our ability to change once we begin to understand that we actually do have influence. As we practice making relational shifts we will become better. We will find small behaviours that can have massive influence and enable outside environment to support us in our goals to become the people we want to become.

It may be easier for some people to practice than others but I believe that all of us have the ability to make shifts in our behaviour that will enable better relationships which in turn can help to influence who we are can help take us in a more positive direction.

It was Lao Tao who said. “To see things in the seed , that is genius.” Seeing what is possible in the seeds of humanity means also what we must become relational gardeners for ourselves and for one another. The randomness of humanity can be nurtured in ways that help our becoming. Individually, we can make small changes for ourselves and others. When we come together as communities our efforts can be multiplied in ways that truly are life-giving.

In upcoming posts, I will talk more about micro-shifting our behaviours in ways that empower our motivations and abilities to move into positive action.

Until next time, I wish you much peace. As always, people, do comment below, share this post or others with anyone who you might think it could be of interest to. 

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Something in seed.

Drops from the sky, these seeds, 
Carried by the beaks of birds.
Sky gardeners.
Random landings,
On rocks, in water, in darkness, in crevices.
Myriad conditions.

Some never spout.
Potential lost.
Some struggle.
Just enough to germinate.
Not enough to become.
Withering.
Dying before the season of fullness.

Occasionally,
A seed lands in just the right place.
Conditions perfect.
Its roots put down.
Water feeds its need.
Its tender leaves unfurl.
The dappled sun just ideal for its nature.

Days, then months, then years.
It becomes.
Bares fruit.
Gives opportunity for new potential.
Away new possibility, seed.
Carried on wings of promise.
Of hope for life,
In the random relationships of existence.

— Paul Harris

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Knock on wood.

Four hard loud knocks on the wooden door outside my bedroom jolt me awake in the very early morning. They sound urgent as if someone really needs to get in. It’s still dark out and just before 3 a.m. I lay there listening and waiting for another knock. It doesn’t come. The outdoor lights are off which means there is no one outside. It’s happened many times before while I’m sleeping, loud knocking that interrupts what I’m dreaming. It’s a reoccurring experience, except it isn’t happening in the physical world. Often I get up and check to see if anyone is there, but it’s always the same; it’s just a weird dream within a dream.

Awake. I lay there thinking about the events of the past couple of years and specifically the past few days. I had planned and worked toward being in Maui for most of September, it’s been two and half years since Terry and I have been able to go. The night before I was to fly out from Edmonton in the morning I was all settled in the hotel at the airport. I had a lovely dinner in the bistro. Then, I developed a headache and sniffles and didn’t sleep well. I suspected that I had contracted a breakthrough infection of COVID 19.

It was a real moral dilemma for me. I certainly felt well enough to fly but didn’t know how the virus would progress in my system. All research around double vaccinated people indicated that I would have a mild infection that would clear up in a few days. I’d had both my Pfizer shots months before. I’d read a well researched article from the Atlantic that eased my fears about the course the infection would take.

And of course there was the issue of infecting others on the flight, certainly something that I did not want to do. I found myself in an ethical conundrum. Anyone flying at this point must have tested negative, as I had a couple of days earlier, and most would have been fully vaccinated. There was the possibility that there could be people on the flight who were not fully vaccinated because that is not a requirement of travel — a serious ethical flaw in public health and travel policy. I would run the risk of infecting someone who was not vaccinated and that could lead to serious consequences for them. Part of me thought ‘it serves them right’ as my compassion for antivaxers and those slow to get their shots has all but disappeared. I was not worried about being in Maui and I would spend most of the first week alone in the condo cleaning, painting, or sitting on the beach across the street trying to reground myself after two years of extremely hard and emotional work.

Still it felt better to play it safe and return home.

The fact that I was feeling ill as I was finally about to travel, after 18 months of dealing with shuts downs, and poor public health policy, made me extremely resentful of those people who refused to be vaccinated without good reason. The businesses have struggled through three shut downs and many restrictions. We have debt to show for it even as business begins to come back. During that time we did everything we could to keep people employed and make improvements that would help set us up for success once we were able to open again. I remain eternally grateful for our customers, employees, and friends that stuck by us during the pandemic.

Every time I encounter an antivaxer, I still smile and try to treat them with respect but inside my resentment for the damage that they’ve done to the economy, our business, and personal lives festers like an open wound which I’m really having trouble healing. This is not a time when the ‘needs of the one outweigh the needs of the many’ (The Wrath of Khan, 1982).

Recently, I have been thinking about how we learn and the systems we have in place to learn. When I grew up the internet was not yet available to the masses. If I needed information I would go to my local college or public library, use their cataloguing system to locate relevant information that had been curated by smart, educated librarians. (You know who you are).

If I had trouble finding something there was a librarian there with practice, credentials and expertise to help guide me to helpful resources. It was a delight, and I always felt that I walked out with real information that had been carefully selected to educate and promote trust.

Today, however we have the internet, anyone with a computer can publish anything they want for anyone to read, just as I am doing here. There is no librarian, with wavy hair, and a sense of humour to guide you through the maze of confusing media that is available. I really miss librarians and the role they play in helping us find accurate information to make informed decisions.

In the end the antivax phenomenon is a product of the accidental removal of safeguards and systems that use to help us sort through conspiracy and misinformation. It comes down not only to education but the skill required to educate oneself and to critically think.

One person I recently spoke with said, ‘oh, the vaccines don’t work then.’ when they heard about someone close to me contracting COVID. This very simple myth that vaccination purports to block transmission completely is such a screaming example of the misinformation out there. I likely will not get any sicker than I am today thanks to my vaccinations. I will continue to enjoy the smell and taste of good food, and sadly bad food. However as the current wave of delta variant sweeps through the community everyone we know will contract it at some point, those unvaccinated are 36 times more likely to end up in the hospital because of it and some will die or have long term complications. I’m thankful that I didn’t take that risk with my life. I’m grateful for those around me who didn’t take that risk. And I’m glad that I encouraged friends and colleagues to get their shots as soon as possible.

To those reading this, if you’ve been slow to get your vaccinations please don’t wait. Go right away. Your productivity and lifestyle will be affected soon if you don’t. The stability of the economy and employment are being affected.

As for me, I went and got tested yesterday and the results came back positive. Now I’m at home staying away from you as best I can. I may need some fresh bread, or a smiley face card to help me get past postponing this trip yet again. My new plan is to leave about two weeks from now. There will be no reason at all that I can’t go this time… with some careful planning. Knock, knock.

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Four quadrants of change.

In my last post, Sweeping Change, I suggested that we begin with what is simple, those things that are easy to change. Starting off with what is easy brings immediate results especially if they have a strong influence to move you in a positive direction.

Let’s get a little more nuanced about change in this post. As I set out at the beginning of this work (see Use a Stick), relationships are with people, places & things, ideas/concepts and words, and activities. As you look at these relationships you may quickly notice that change is easy in some relationships and more difficult in others.

Here I’ve split the relationships into four categories, putting us at the centre of each. This is to make it easier for us to think about our relationships, but ultimately these are not separate but layered and interconnected in various ways. And, of course, all relationships do not exert influence on us to the same degree. We might, for the purposes of exploration consider one or two relationships from each grouping that have the strongest influence, or the weakest.

In so doing we can begin to see how we are influenced and what direction our lives may be going. Take a few moments to think about which one or two people have the greatest influence on your life positively or negatively. Consider which places you visit or things you possess that influence you. What one or two activities do you participate in that influence your life for the good or bad? What about your beliefs? Are there one of two that have a strong influence for you?

As you think about these relationships you may take comfort in the ones that are supporting you in you we are or would like to be. You might also notice there are some that aren’t helpful.

Here are a few examples from my own life and those that I’ve mentored over the years.

  • I spend a lot of time with my brother and I have always counted on him as a friend. He is someone that I look up to and want to be more like
  • My immediate supervisor works in the same space as me at work, and is so moody. Some days I can barely stand to go in to work, and at the end of the day I’m exhausted.
  • I’m glad there is a coffee shop within a block of my house. I go there twice a day. The people are friendly and feel like I belong. I would have a hole in my life if this place closed.
  • I walk to work almost every day. There are several derelict and empty buildings I pass. Sometimes I am saddened by seeing them. Sometimes I am curious about their history. Sometimes I wonder if there is something that could be done, or even that I could do.
  • I drink too much and can see that it is affecting who I could become if I could control it or stop drinking.
  • I read a lot, and am so glad I do. I see the world more broadly than others, I think.
  • I believe people are rotten to the core and I watch out so they don’t hurt me.
  • I believe people are inherently good. I see them doing good things every day. It inspires me.

The more you think about the specific relationships you have in your life the clearer it will become which ones you want to change, strengthen, activate, ignore, or eliminate. You will see things that you want to change for the good. You will see things that make you uncomfortable. You will see things that inspire you and make you despair.

All of that is important in making a shift in identity, becoming more the person you would like to be. It’s important improve your happiness, your personal well-being, your health, your financial wellness etc. At the same time it may seem quite overwhelming.

We might make a list of everything that we would like to change. Some of the things may be easy to accomplish and others may be difficult. Some of the things may have a strong influence in your personal wellbeing and happiness. Others, although they may seem important, have a weaker influence.

The task then for us becomes prioritising the list with a mind toward doing the things that have the greatest influence and which take the least amount of time. This helps us build momentum and get a foothold on something better.

Below is a simple diagram to help you map your change actions in your relationships and what potential influence those actions might have. You may find that some of the easiest things to change have a tremendous influence, or some of the hardest things to change have little influence. None of us want to fall into the trap of doing things that have little return.

Change actions might be thought of as actions you are taking in the relationships that you are consciously trying to activate or deactivate or shift in some way with the goal of changing your identity, your happiness, your skills etc. First, look at all of your relationships. Remember you have relationships not only with people, but also with places and things, ideas and beliefs, and activities. Consider the strength of the influence they have on you. Next consider their ease or resistance to change. Prioritize the relationships that have the greatest influence on you and that are easiest to change. These offer the most immediate success and often help open paths to seeing new possibilities.

Suppose that you are struggling financially, having trouble managing your anxiety, or want to become a better writer. Let this be the focus of your mapping.

When making a change in a specific part of you life you can create a map helps you discover how your sets of relationships are influencing you. You then can consider which of the relationships are easy to change and which are more difficult. And you can ascribe to them the influence they have in your life. Do they have a strong influence toward helping you tackle your challenge, or do they take you away from our goal.

Until next time, I wish you much peace, thoughtful pondering, and strength in being your own best guide. As always, people, do comment below, share this post or others with anyone who you might think it could be of interest to.

If you haven’t already become a subscriber, please join by clicking on the button below. You’ll receive an occasional email when I post.

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Sweeping change.

If we are going to be the change, how on earth do we get started? It’s easy enough to think, it’s easy enough to reflect that we might be able to change ourselves and even change the world, but that first step to action can feel daunting. Or even impossible.

Last night I was filled with anxiety about the world, the direction of my life, my family and pets, and financial worries. As I look back at the year I see the steps that I’ve taken, some seemingly impossible at the time. What pieces of experience might I find to help with my own next steps, or to encourage others? As I embark on this writing today, I think and hope that that in itself will help me with sense-making.

Recognizing our stuckness

I’ve worked hard over the past year to get my business and personal life back on track. As I think about the actions that I wish to take now in my life, as things start to turn the corner, in a number of ways, I’ve come to realise how stuck in negativity I’ve become – almost bitter about some things. I’d like to return to positivity and hopefulness, which were so much more strongly part of my identity a few years ago.

I could identify so many things that led to my negativity and unpack each of those. I’ve become hard on myself, cranky with the people I care about, extremely critical of the city I live in, and despairing of the world. My expectations are high and I more often see failure than appreciation. I see the negative everywhere, from world ‘leadership’, to society’s failings to handle the climate crisis. I watch as the global shift to the ‘political right’ is undoing years of protection for our shared environment, our prosperity, our health etc.

It’s easy for us to be complacent about our attitudes and issues, never mind those we see in the world. Our unique set of relationships carry with them an inertia that wills us to take the same direction. It may lead us to feel stuck. This same inertia can be put to work for our benefit however. I’ll get to that in a moment.

Acknowledging our doubts

All of this feels heavy and I question my own role in making things better or worse. I fear that we haven’t seen the worst that humanity will do. It’s just coming up to 80 years since the beginning of the second world war. September 1, 1939 is considered the start of the second world war, but the events that led up to it might be included and started several years before. We could think of the war as something that we slipped into over time.

I could think of my own negativity and doubt as something that I slipped into over time. It was likely brought on by a lack of awareness of my relationships and the direction they were taking me. It’s okay to doubt whether we can correct the course of our own lives, or help society take a better path. In acknowledging our doubts we must also recognise that we have relational resources which can help us foster change. In resourcing ourselves we must become aware of both the positive or negative influence that relationships may have.

We’re not alone.

I recently watched a film called The Aftermath which was set in Hamburg, Germany a few months after the war ended. It was about how the English and Germans were trying to make meaning in their lives, reassemble Hamburg and its social fabric, and find a way of being together after so much destruction and death. It’s a story about love, reconciliation, and humanity’s nature to cling to assumptions and ability to change. Be prepared to weep, be angry, and ultimately feel your heart swell with hope.

Like now, before the last war the world seemed to be function under the influence of individualism, us-and-them thinking, where everything is apart and separate, that people, places, and things exist with identities of their own creation. Today, we’ve being slipping again and inertia is blocking us from our goals of peace, prosperity, and happiness. Prevalent thought then was that we had complete control over ourselves, our society, our environment, or places etc. This may have set us up to fight with everything and with one another. These beliefs may be what leads to hierarchical systems of control which give dominion and power to a few – sometimes very evil people – including the belief in all-powerful gods.

There is more to say about how and why we might give our power to another and ultimately how each time we do we set ourselves on a path to destruction that can only be repaired by working together, cooperating, and abandonment of individualism. I will explore this in much more depth in future chapters.

Breaking through judgment – enlisting others.

When we have have deeply bought into the individualism paradigm, even within our internal struggles we might hear ourselves say things like… ‘you can do better than this’, ‘if you just tried harder’, ‘just stop’, etc. Decisions and actions seem so simple when we believe that we have individual control within us to change. Personal change takes influence from outside ourselves. We know this and yet often berate ourselves for our failings and cling to the belief that self improvement is a solo activity.

What humanity may need now is a fundamental shift away from individualism toward relationalism – to begin to see that things change for the good and the bad only in relation.

Relationalism is a theoretical position that is based on supposition that all things exist and can only exist in relation, that everything in existence moves and changes as relational entities. If we consider this as a possibility we might be able to rethink how we engage and influence the world currently. We might come to see ourselves as the world leadership rather than beholden to the world leadership. Our involvement with one another is perhaps the only way to shift the discourse, redirect the inertia, and discover new windows of possibility that remain illusive on our current course. The same is true with ourselves.

The thread I hang onto is a belief that a difference can be made by shifting what we are in relationship with, including our own thoughts. In addition to making physical changes in my personal and business life. I’ve come to a place where I need to use my skills to make changes to my psychic landscape, particularly if I wish to see positive changes in my community, our city, and the world generally. The interconnection between the physical world and the world inside our heads is perhaps much stronger than we consider it to be.

If we can see the possibility that we are a composite of the relationships of which we are part, rather than a solo actor in a corporeal body, sitting at the helm in complete control of its destiny… then we might be able to let go of the judgement we hold for ourselves and others, and even the world. We might be able to see how strengthening connections with what is good could help us make course corrections. Harsh judgment of ourselves and the world may stem from that individual belief that we alone are in control of our destiny – individualism vs relationalism.

As an aside, I think it’s important to acknowledge that we do neither abdicate responsible for personal and global change nor dismiss our part in unhappiness, sorrow, and despair. Even though we are not solo actors in the world, it does not mean that we are not influential and responsible. We must share the things we’ve created with those around us, whether they are good or bad, divine or evil, invite joy or cast misery.

As I muster the strength to attempt a return to positivity. As I work to weaken the bonds of negative thinking I’m aware of the difference between negativity and critical thought. It’s important to catch oneself being negative and perhaps reframe our thinking in ways that lead to positive action by critiquing with honesty and appreciation.

Where to start? – the simple things that power up your relational change potential.

Once I realized that my life had become a shambles I had no idea where to start to rebuild. I just knew that I needed to start somewhere and so I did and I learned in the doing.

I started with the simple things that would help me correct the direction I was headed and build momentum that would take me to bigger decisions and actions. The potential we have to create change for ourselves is immense when we realize that we are fully supported by our relational network, and that we have the ability to shift it as we need. We do however need to learn and practise to become good at using it to our benefit otherwise we will go with the flow of others and the world. We risk slipping backward as individuals and society.

Here I’m dividing the next section into two parts, principles that would be worth remembering, a touchstone of sorts, AND actions that we might take as we things we work toward making positive changes.

Principles to remember.

  1. Your superpower. Understanding that in relationships you have influence, remember it’s your superpower.
  2. Fear exists. Acknowledge that fear may exist in making changes. In the spirit of relational thought however, I believe that too much attention paid to exploring fear may increase your stuckness, just as too much exploration of issues may result in further despair. Thinking about what can go wrong may prevent us from seeing what can go right. This is not to say that spending some time thinking about your fears and what may have led to your circumstances is not good but rather than they need to be balanced with good forward-looking thinking that help us to see the possibilities for our futures. Fear and possibility are related. In the end there will be a tomorrow with a different set of circumstances. And it never hurts to hear that: today we have only today.
  3. Language creates momentum. Language we use creates change and gives power to inertia that can take us in the right or wrong direction. We use language to give action to our intentions. If our language isn’t congruent with our intentions we create a intended consequences. We may give power to the very thing we are trying to change.
  4. Self-care matters. Caring for yourself as you make changes is so important. Remember that each person is unique and that self-care needs to be tailored to fit you, where one person might think self-care is going to a fun party, another might want to be alone with a good book. Self-care might be thought of as a way to care for yourself as you would for another in need. What often prevents us from good self-care is:
    • not acknowledging our worthiness for it,
    • thinking we are strong so we don’t it need as much as others or
    • feeling guilt that we should be doing something more productive.
  5. Simplicity is always a good place to start. If ever you experience that stalling feeling like you just don’t know what to do next, do something simple, EXTREMELY simple. Build momentum by doing the simple things that can grow into bigger things. Steps not great leaps. When you start out with simplicity you support and guarantee success for yourself by changing things that you absolutely feel you can.
  6. Quietness is essential. To make thoughtful change we need quiet, time to think, reflect, and ponder. Quietness is most effective when it becomes a habit.
  7. Sanctuaries. We need a place and time to retreat. It’s hard to be quiet if we have no place to go. This is a place and time you can call your own so that you can think, be, and do some of the self-care that is so important. It may be a room in your home, a place in nature, or a time of day.
  8. Reward yourself. Even the smallest steps need to be recognised and acknowledged before we take another. It’s important to identify an action, undertake the work, recognise what was accomplished, and then plan the next action. Move slowly and carefully.
  9. Celebrate. Involve your relationships in what has been done. This strengthens the bonds, makes it more difficult to undo, and helps build new energy for the next action.

From principle to action

You may recall the poem Sweep I wrote that suggests, in troubling times, the best place to start is with the simple things. Sweeping and decluttering have tremendous influence to give us the ability to tackle bigger challenges. They build up our confidence and help us see other steps we need to take.

  1. Plan it.
    • Choose something that has been standing in your way of change.
    • Break it down into steps, remembering that you don’t need to know all the steps, only the first one or two, the others will appear. Can you identify the first step?
    • Name one or two new possibilities that this one step will open for you in the future? Say them out loud, or write them down.
    • Do you have any fears about doing this one step? If so, say them out loud or write them down.
  2. Do it.
    • Notice how are you are talking about this step as you do it? Is it positive, negative, practical, fearful, joyous etc. Again say it out loud or write it down.

Praxis

Praxis is a non-judgemental practice of purposeful reflection on what you’ve done with the goal to learn, appreciate, and care for yourself. We reflect on the actions we’ve taken, and also think about the what it’s like to reflect on the actions you’ve taken. It’s helpful to make notes or talk about it with another.

  • Notice how you feel after the changes you make. Acknowledge the fear, relief, pride etc. Remember you want to nurture that wee sprout of change you’ve just started. Give it sunlight and water.
  • What kind of language seemed most present as you worked to make a change? Was it language that keeps the bad parts of a relationship alive? Does it feed the good parts?
  • Did you give yourself quite, time and space to think about what you were planning and how you did with the action? What was that like for you? How could you reward yourself better? How did you celebrate your success?

Until next time, I wish you much peace, thoughtful pondering, and strength in being your own best guide. As always people, do comment below, share this post or others with anyone whom you might think it could be of interest.

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Towards relational mapping.

Faced with a blank page and two worthwhile directions to go.

1) The process of detaching. This post has been stirring in me for quite some time particularly as a number of friends are in the process of changing careers and residency. It would follow in the wake of the post called “What are we maintaining?” Which is essentially about exploring all the things we do with our time and thinking consciously about how we might shift our activities so that we do things that are more aligned with the vision we hold of our ideal selves. It made sense I as began to think through detachment, that we first consider an inventory of sorts.

2) Meanwhile, as I was writing that piece on maintaining, I began to think about whether place and space and our relationship to them have a stronger influence on our identities than do our activities.

Today I thought it might we worthwhile to just write in a free flow form and see if anything useful arises. I’m on a bit of a writing retreat with two days remaining before I return home to the thunder of everyday commitments. As we ramp up into the summer and all of its busy-ness I’m nearly exhausted just thinking about the number of changes that are yet to be done to put our businesses back on solid financial footing. I suppose this is one reason that both maintaining and place are forefront in my mind.

I undertook a dramatic shift by relocating our store and in the process I realised that I was maintaining so much more than the store itself in the location it was. I was holding on to old retail ideas in a time where the internet and the sharing economy have transformed retail shopping habits. In the possess of moving, I began to notice that in detaching from the old location I was helped to be open to what is possible in the new location. Partly the process was to get past the hurdle of wanting to hang on to what was, and to be willing to let it be history.

As I detached I began to also understand the incredible influence of place itself. This as led me to consider a question of strength or intensity of relational influence.

Does the relational connection we have with a place or space or the physical generally have a stronger influence on us than our relationships with people? How might we surface or highlight the influence place has on us? Is there a way to compare the strength of influence that relationships have, particularly as it comes to place. Are there some indicators that could help us understand relational influence, and navigate change?

I raise this here because if the conjecture that place could have a greater influence on us than relationships with people (note: I’m aware of ideologies and their influence and will come back to that in later writing) it behoves us to consider why it does, and how we might use this knowledge to better serve ourselves and those around us.

It might help inform where we should live, how we should design our spaces, how the physical could be constructed in ways that create room for healthier living. And in this age where world governance is uncertain, are there things that, on a macro scale, we could build that would serve to transform our communities, not just now but into the future?

On a micro scale, how would this knowledge inform our own living. What might we do with our own living spaces, working spaces, and what lies in between them as we travel from space to space?

Those are all big questions. It’s perhaps the quality of the questions that guides our direction, not how well we answer the questions.

Let’s return to the the idea of indicators that might help us determine the strength that particular relationships have over our identity, whether those relationships be with ideas, people, place, or activities.

What are the questions we could ask about their influence? What are the questions that we could ask to assess the quality of those relationship, ie: do they take you in the direction you would like to go, or away from it? Are there questions we could ask about how easy or difficult it might be to change the influence of a relationship?

For now let’s consider questions in general. In future writing I think we can further categorize our questions into two groups: 1) the influence relationship have on our identity, and 2) how easy or difficult that influence might be to alter.

Praxis

Consider various relationships in your life and how they influence your identity and ability to move toward your ideal self. I’m posing some questions here but you may well design many of your own.

  1. Can you identity relationships you have with:
    • people
    • spaces, places and things
    • ideas
    • activities?
  2. Can you notice now, or might you consider, how strong or weak the influence of any particular relationship has on your identity?
  3. When a particular relationship is active, are you compelled to participate more or less?
  4. Do you feel forced to participate, or are you a willing participant?
  5. Does the relationship exert influence on you as well as others?
  6. Is the relationship of your own creation, whether that be positive or negative?
  7. Is the relationship one that sustains you in tough times?
  8. Is the relationship one that depresses you?
  9. Is the relationship one that brings you joy, or does it cause you anxiety?
  10. If the relationship were to end tomorrow, would that be a good thing for you?
  11. How much do you want to attach to, or detach from, this relationship?
  12. How much control do you have to attach to, or detach from, this relationship?
  13. Are you able to look at this relationship from multiple perspectives and consider its influence on you?
  14. Does this relationship alter you physically?
  15. Can you see this relationship’s influence on others?
  16. Can you see how this relationship is influencing you or others?

Develop some of your own windows to look into your relationships. Here are a few examples to get you started. These might help you create a map of your relationships and their identical influence.

  • weak influence ——-> strong influence
  • subtle ——–> obvious
  • influences just you ——–> influences everyone
  • easy to change ———-> difficult to change

In my next post I’ll explore some ideas about relational influence, and the ease of difficulty they are to change. Then, I think it will be time to navigate the waters of detachment.

Until next time, I wish you much peace, thoughtful pondering, and strength in being your own best guide. As always people, do comment below, share this post or others with anyone whom you might think it could be of interest.

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